A maddening account of an Amherst student’s rape, the administration’s horrible response, and her subsequent withdrawal.
TRIGGER WARNING: This content deals with an account of sexual assault and may be triggering to some people.
Scary, but important.
IF YOU ARE READING, TAKE BREAKS
grim-roth asked: N and A because I am in a morbid mood.
That works, as I am in a sleep-deprived mood.
A - If you could get away with one murder in your lifetime without any legal, social, or emotional repercussions, would you kill someone? - Probably not. I’m a bit squeamish about this stuff. That said, if I felt like someone posed a serious threat to those I loved and that the most efficient way to neutralize that threat was murder, then perhaps. Probably not, but perhaps.
N - What was the worst nightmare you ever had? - I had one about faces melting off the other night, that was out there. But really, it’s probably the one where I relive my rape over and over again. I think that’s the worst because you wake up and know it’s true.
(inspired by a conversation with brancachino)
My problem has never been sleep paralysis (lucid dreaming?) but rather nightmares.
Lucid dreams for me are nicer because I personally (and this could be wrong) define a lucid dream as one in which I can change what’s going on, and that’s rarely the case (that I have lucid dreams, that is). I remember all (or at least what I think are all) of my dreams, and that’s sometimes nice (with the flying dreams and all) and sometimes awful because of nightmares.
I have lots of nightmares. Some are about things that have actually happened, and those suck because you know how it ends, you know you can’t do shit about it, and it’s just not nice knowing that it’s real because personally I like waking up and going “it’s not real it could never be real you’re okay it’s not real.” ”Like” may not be the right word. Prefer it to the alternative, anyways. It also sucks because the real stuff is always kind of scarier than the not-real stuff in some sinister way. Some “yay look at what society has done to you” and you lie there small and helpless and totally fucked because you know what comes next. Some of these I get practically every night (at least twice a week) and when I wake up it’s always “this can’t happen to you again I promise I promise this isn’t happening again” which isn’t exactly the most reassuring when you get down to it.
My nightmares (the ones that aren’t real, that is) often center around waking up and being certain that there is someone or something in my room, a kind of “you’re being watched” that makes me do that thing where fear wells up somewhere in you. When I get these at school it’s worse than at home. At school I’ll walk through my room and check under things and behind things, walk through the common room and not be able to shake this gnawing feeling of there is someone or something out there. And then there are the awful dreams in which my family is hurt or dying and I cannot do anything about it.
When I have lucid dreams I can do something. I can dive in after my baby sister and rescue her or I can face the monsters and intruders head on with a fencing foil or something. I hate feeling powerless (which I gather you hate, too, given the feeling that you can’t move? Am I making this up/putting words in your mouth?) and when I can’t do anything I feel that something has been taken from me that I can’t get back.
I’ve never had a lucid dream when I’ve been dreaming something that has happened, and I guess that’s both good and bad. Bad because damn I would like to change the way things happened if only in my head and good because what if it happened the way it originally did and I was still too scared to do anything? I’m not sure I’d be okay with myself if that happened.
You write about thinking about faith and then something that I would see in my more religious moments as some sort of sign. That sounds scary as fuck.
What I’m trying to say, I think, is that I understand the debilitating nightmare thing.